Random thoughts

I've been suffering with a nasty cold for the last five days which is sure putting a dent in my workout plans. However I know that I have to rest and get better as my surgery is coming up in 10 days!!!

As part of my birthday present Robert hooked up the spare tv in my scrap room. I am ever so hopeful that I'll feel up to putting a few days of scrapping in after my rest time. Wouldn't that be great!!

Jean-Luc really been practicing his guitar. I'm really proud of him and how well Henie progressing!! That's my boy!!!

Carinne's had the last week of school off due exam week. She had a lazy week. Lucky girl!!!

I have a secret!

Not a really big secret, but a secret nonetheless.  I turned 45 on Monday (that's not the secret), but the thought of being closer to 50 than 40 terrifies me.  I didn't have any problems turning 40.  Robert planned a night away in Calgary for us, we had a wonderful evening out with Susan and Kurtis...and then a surprise party at the house!  What fun......this year...all I can think of is how close I am to 50.  I don't want to be there.  I'm not ready yet.  I know it's only a number, but really the reality is.........what?  that's what I'm not sure of. 

I do know this:  I have finished off year 44 going to the gym on a regular basis, I have been working hard to gain ahold of the weight (or rather the attempt to lose it), I have been working hard on my psyche and all that I hold onto in my head!

I do know that I have two wonderful teenagers (one almost there) and an amazing husband who is behind me all the way.  I have terrific friends, some who have been there forever and some who are new.  All of which  who are there supporting me with my ups and downs!  And of course my mom, dad and mother in law who really are the best!!!  So with that, I go into the 45th year a little apprehensive but full of love and support!

Listen to Fun music

Mental Monsters!

I just read Jo's blog...Mental Monsters...those little monsters that set out to sabotage us, to distract us, and to make us doubt ourselves.  My goal is to break those little suckers.   Along with the Mental Monsters, I think I have memory monsters.  The memories that threaten to beat us at every turn.  Losing my sister, Cory, was probably one of the hardest experiences in my life.  And it's one that never ends.  Never a day goes by when I don't miss her or think of her. The whole "loss" of her is a memory monster.  I ate and ate, and soothed myself with food, and 40 pounds later, here I am.  Before Carinne, I had a miscarriage at 3 and a half months....I ate, and ate, and soothed myself with food...25 pounds later....do you see the pattern?  I am just started to.  Would Cory want for me to keep sabotaging myself?  No!  Would she want me to keep using food as a way to soothe myself because I miss her?  No!   Would our little angel in heaven want her mom to keep eating the hurt away.  No!   So it's time to stop!

Thanks to a little reflection with Jo tonight, and a little self analysis :)  It's time to chases the Mental Monsters and the Memory Monsters away.  I have been going to JDFT for 5 months now.  When I started I couldn't do a sit up (no laughing), I couldn't do a push up (really, no laughing now), and I could barely do 30 seconds of cardio.  Not today!  Today I am stronger, I am healthier, I am PROUD of myself!  As I type this I have tears forming!  It amazes me how hard it is to say that:  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF!   And I"m chasing the monsters away!  I am PROUD of myself, I WILL continue to make myself stronger and healthier. 

Thanks to Jo, for the pep talk tonight and letting me know that the girls at the gym care about me, they care about my progress and they care that I'm proud of myself!  To Amanda and Shannon, thanks for the listening ear yesterday, I needed it.  I'm always learning and improving!  Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks!  :)

Keep going!

A little pep talk for myself goes something like this:  "Keep going Tracee, you can do it, keep counting calories just takes a little time, you are worth it!  you're doing a great job going to the gym, I know the weight is not coming off, but you're healthier, and your stronger, and you're worth it!"

The "you're worth it" part is often hard for us to wrap around in our heads.  How many years have we put the kids, the job, the house, the family, the husband, basically everything before us?  For me, it's too many to count.  I am working at changing my mindset, but also my family's mind set about what's important for me.  Like going to the gym!  I don't usually go on Fridays, but I decided I would go this Friday to a Fusion class.  Did I catch everyone by surprise tonight!  We have the "cable guy" coming sometime between 5 and 8 (doesn't that just drive you crazy all by itself).  Usually it's me who stays home and waits for service men...takes a day off work, etc.  Today, I asked Robert if he could do it...he asked why?  "Because I want to go to the gym."  and he said "oh, okay".  I'm working on him!!!

The kids are getting used to getting supper organized, getting used to being on their own a little more and being independent.  Which I think is a pretty good side effect of me taking time for myself. 

And yes, I AM WORTH IT!

Thankful

for my husband tonight.  He called at 4:00 to see what I was up to.  Today was my last day off for Christmas break.  My lovely husband told me to get my coat on and he was coming to pick me up to go out for appetizers and a drink!  Whoo Hoo!!!  Going out without the kids doesn't happen often, and what a great time we had.  We were joined by our friends Colin and Elida.  It was nice to go out, and have a little to eat, and a wonderful glass of wine!  Yay!  And yes, I did workout today!  9 am, yes I did!!!


Last night  I went to TRX class at 6:00.  Whew, the gym was full...Amanda had kids class, Jo was doing a private training session, and Shannon had her hands full with 11 of us!  It must be January!  I quite enjoyed the class, had a few exercises that kicked my butt, but it still felt great!  (Did I really just say that?)  Crazy!!!

While Robert and I were waiting for Colin and Elida to arrive at Moxies, we had a chat about how the gym is going and how I feel working out.  Robert's been so awesome, especially since he's seen me try every diet under the sun.  As long as I'm feeling good, he's cheering me on.  The only thing I would like to be different is my knees; they're hurting tonight, and some of the exercises are just hard on my knees.  But I'm hoping as I get stronger yet, the muscles around the knees will get stronger too and the pain won't be as much!    I actually looked at what it takes to  run a 5 k....what's up with that!  LOL

And the rest of the wedding scrapbook