Will it ever be over?

Will it ever be over?  The answer is no...the question?  Will the worry about being fat/overweight (whatever you want to call it) ever be over?  I don't think so.  It's such a struggle...and a frustration.  A few of my friends have been meeting every Saturday morning for the last three weeks to share our struggles and be a sounding board for each other.  It's a wonderful chance to visit and share a little bit of our mom woes, etc.  And an opportunity to get ideas about our individual issues that we have.  Of course, the one struggle we all share is weight...either getting it off, or keeping it off.  I am very proud of the girls for their weight losses.  But I am also feeling a little jealous, as they've all lost weight, but me! 

How does one get over those feelings?  How does one struggle through all the everyday chores, all the aspects of being a mom and a wife, and work commitments....and still find time to take care of oneself?  It seems to me others have somewhat figured it out.  I'm still working on it.  I have had a really hard time going back to JDFT since my surgery.  I have lost the momentum..how do I get it back?  There's such a  pull to go to the gym, and to walk the dog, and keep up with everything (meaning the house and errands), and me well, I seem to fall to the bottom of the list.  Not to mention that I'm tired. What a vicious circle...if I went to the gym more, I would get energy and then I wouldn't be so tired.

It's trying to be spring (and failing miserably), but I know it means capri, short, t-shirt...all the clothes that you can't hide behind.  Don't even get me started on a swimming suit.  It is time to start again...(insert big sigh here), it seems like I'm always starting...will it ever be over...nope!

Here we go again!

I am back to my journaling and keeping track of all my food.  That's not the hard part.  The hard part is all in my head.  The thoughts of sabotage are always there, and so frustrating.  I really have come to an understanding that my weight issues are not really about food, and not really about the exercise...othewise I would have dropped weight by now.  My conclusion is that it's really about being worthy....yes, I am worthy!  And why is that so hard to say?  Really, I know I am....but????  it's the but??? that's killing me, and it's not the behind butt!  Ha ha!!!  So here, we go again!   Keeping up with the exercise, and keeping up with the journal, but most of all, keeping up with me and the thoughts that I am worth the time and effort to gain the body I want to have.

And on a happy note, we took Bella to the dog park yesterday, and she had soooo much fun!  We were totally entertained by her exuberance  and total exhileration of being able to run and play with the other dogs!  I enjoyed being with my husband and son, and to laugh in the cold air was a blast!

Back to work this week!

And I just never thought going back to work would be so tiring.  I started Monday morning, all ready to go!  Then when I got to school, saw the huge (and I do mean huge) pile of marking that was left on my desk.  It was enough to almost make me want to turn around and walk out the door again.  The good news is that we have hired a sub for one day a week to help with the marking process.  We'll see how that goes!  :)

Monday night I also decided I should head back to the gym, and get my measurements done, and do the dreaded weigh in.  I hadn't been to the gym for a workout since surgery, whew!  Well the weigh in wasn't as bad as I thought.  I actually had lost a few pounds...however, it turned out to be muscle that I lost.  N ot so good.  Which really, it  makes sense as I didn't really do anything for almost 3 weeks!  I did manage to get through my workout, but it must have been pretty entertaining for the girls...certainly was a tough one for me.  I did make it through though, which was better than I expected.

I did have to admit to Jo that I hadn't kept my journal through my surgery recovery.  Oops!  But I did make good choices when I was off, and I didn't really indulge at all, except for Jean-Luc's birthday cake! I actually found that I had to think about eating, and often it got  to be 1:00 or 1:30 and I had realized I hadn't had lunch yet.  Getting back to school is hard.  I find even though I'm sitting at my desk for the majority of the day, I find I'm looking for food and snacks...frustrating.  Too much sitting I think!

Getting back to work has also been a little stressful, which really makes me realize the connection between the two.  Tracee stressed = Tracee eating.  I will work hard at keeping the stress at bay, and do what I can do each day.  

And last but not least, I am TIRED!  Everyone kept telling me how tired I would be, but I just didn't think it would happen.  I was wrong.  At about 1, I am about done.  Today was an extra long day due to staffing issues, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.  I had planned to go to the gym today, but didn't make it...just too tired.  I am worried about getting too run down, and then really land up being sick.  I will try again tomorrow!

Almost 16

This is a photo of my mom shortly before she turned 16...in 1959.  It's hard to believe she's pretty much the same age Carinne is now!

Mom said her dress was a light pink, with a white collar and black velvet trim...how dainty and pretty!

New Layout's

Icy sidewalks!

really suck!  I went out for my daily walk today, and couldn't believe how icy it was.  I almost wiped out a few times.  Which wouldn't be a good thing! 

I'm thrilled to share I've lost 8 pounds since surgery.  I don't have high hopes of keeping it all off, but it's definitely a start!

The surgery healing is going well; I'm still getting tired easily, but every day is better.  I actually drove today!  First time in a week.  It was a little jarring with all the bumpy snow covered roads, and what surprised me was how hard it was to sit up straight.  Next time I'll take my car and I can recline my seats a little!


I've been playing in my scrap room a bit, and should have something to post soon!

And it's gone.....

my gall bladder that is!  Surgery was last Wednesday, and wasn't as difficult as I imagined it would be.  The hardest part was  "waiting my turn", in the assembly line.  The nurses at the hospital were wonderful!  When I first came out of the anesthetic there was a pile of pain, but then the meds kicked it!  :)  huge happy face here! 

Recovery has been day by day and day by day it's amazing to see how fast the changes are.  I removed the first set of bandages on Saturday. And now am waiting for the last set to come off in a few days. 

The hardest part so far has been how tired I am!  I went for a very slow 20 minute walk around the block today and it was painfully slow; but how wonderful to breathe in the fresh air and enjoy the sunshine!


Since it's Valentine's Day today I made cards for everyone! Pooped me right out, and I had to have a rest on the sofa after!  LOL 


I am feeling good and am so happy with how my family has stepped up to help!  I love you!

Random thoughts

I've been suffering with a nasty cold for the last five days which is sure putting a dent in my workout plans. However I know that I have to rest and get better as my surgery is coming up in 10 days!!!

As part of my birthday present Robert hooked up the spare tv in my scrap room. I am ever so hopeful that I'll feel up to putting a few days of scrapping in after my rest time. Wouldn't that be great!!

Jean-Luc really been practicing his guitar. I'm really proud of him and how well Henie progressing!! That's my boy!!!

Carinne's had the last week of school off due exam week. She had a lazy week. Lucky girl!!!

I have a secret!

Not a really big secret, but a secret nonetheless.  I turned 45 on Monday (that's not the secret), but the thought of being closer to 50 than 40 terrifies me.  I didn't have any problems turning 40.  Robert planned a night away in Calgary for us, we had a wonderful evening out with Susan and Kurtis...and then a surprise party at the house!  What fun......this year...all I can think of is how close I am to 50.  I don't want to be there.  I'm not ready yet.  I know it's only a number, but really the reality is.........what?  that's what I'm not sure of. 

I do know this:  I have finished off year 44 going to the gym on a regular basis, I have been working hard to gain ahold of the weight (or rather the attempt to lose it), I have been working hard on my psyche and all that I hold onto in my head!

I do know that I have two wonderful teenagers (one almost there) and an amazing husband who is behind me all the way.  I have terrific friends, some who have been there forever and some who are new.  All of which  who are there supporting me with my ups and downs!  And of course my mom, dad and mother in law who really are the best!!!  So with that, I go into the 45th year a little apprehensive but full of love and support!

Listen to Fun music

Mental Monsters!

I just read Jo's blog...Mental Monsters...those little monsters that set out to sabotage us, to distract us, and to make us doubt ourselves.  My goal is to break those little suckers.   Along with the Mental Monsters, I think I have memory monsters.  The memories that threaten to beat us at every turn.  Losing my sister, Cory, was probably one of the hardest experiences in my life.  And it's one that never ends.  Never a day goes by when I don't miss her or think of her. The whole "loss" of her is a memory monster.  I ate and ate, and soothed myself with food, and 40 pounds later, here I am.  Before Carinne, I had a miscarriage at 3 and a half months....I ate, and ate, and soothed myself with food...25 pounds later....do you see the pattern?  I am just started to.  Would Cory want for me to keep sabotaging myself?  No!  Would she want me to keep using food as a way to soothe myself because I miss her?  No!   Would our little angel in heaven want her mom to keep eating the hurt away.  No!   So it's time to stop!

Thanks to a little reflection with Jo tonight, and a little self analysis :)  It's time to chases the Mental Monsters and the Memory Monsters away.  I have been going to JDFT for 5 months now.  When I started I couldn't do a sit up (no laughing), I couldn't do a push up (really, no laughing now), and I could barely do 30 seconds of cardio.  Not today!  Today I am stronger, I am healthier, I am PROUD of myself!  As I type this I have tears forming!  It amazes me how hard it is to say that:  I AM PROUD OF MYSELF!   And I"m chasing the monsters away!  I am PROUD of myself, I WILL continue to make myself stronger and healthier. 

Thanks to Jo, for the pep talk tonight and letting me know that the girls at the gym care about me, they care about my progress and they care that I'm proud of myself!  To Amanda and Shannon, thanks for the listening ear yesterday, I needed it.  I'm always learning and improving!  Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks!  :)

Keep going!

A little pep talk for myself goes something like this:  "Keep going Tracee, you can do it, keep counting calories just takes a little time, you are worth it!  you're doing a great job going to the gym, I know the weight is not coming off, but you're healthier, and your stronger, and you're worth it!"

The "you're worth it" part is often hard for us to wrap around in our heads.  How many years have we put the kids, the job, the house, the family, the husband, basically everything before us?  For me, it's too many to count.  I am working at changing my mindset, but also my family's mind set about what's important for me.  Like going to the gym!  I don't usually go on Fridays, but I decided I would go this Friday to a Fusion class.  Did I catch everyone by surprise tonight!  We have the "cable guy" coming sometime between 5 and 8 (doesn't that just drive you crazy all by itself).  Usually it's me who stays home and waits for service men...takes a day off work, etc.  Today, I asked Robert if he could do it...he asked why?  "Because I want to go to the gym."  and he said "oh, okay".  I'm working on him!!!

The kids are getting used to getting supper organized, getting used to being on their own a little more and being independent.  Which I think is a pretty good side effect of me taking time for myself. 

And yes, I AM WORTH IT!

Thankful

for my husband tonight.  He called at 4:00 to see what I was up to.  Today was my last day off for Christmas break.  My lovely husband told me to get my coat on and he was coming to pick me up to go out for appetizers and a drink!  Whoo Hoo!!!  Going out without the kids doesn't happen often, and what a great time we had.  We were joined by our friends Colin and Elida.  It was nice to go out, and have a little to eat, and a wonderful glass of wine!  Yay!  And yes, I did workout today!  9 am, yes I did!!!


Last night  I went to TRX class at 6:00.  Whew, the gym was full...Amanda had kids class, Jo was doing a private training session, and Shannon had her hands full with 11 of us!  It must be January!  I quite enjoyed the class, had a few exercises that kicked my butt, but it still felt great!  (Did I really just say that?)  Crazy!!!

While Robert and I were waiting for Colin and Elida to arrive at Moxies, we had a chat about how the gym is going and how I feel working out.  Robert's been so awesome, especially since he's seen me try every diet under the sun.  As long as I'm feeling good, he's cheering me on.  The only thing I would like to be different is my knees; they're hurting tonight, and some of the exercises are just hard on my knees.  But I'm hoping as I get stronger yet, the muscles around the knees will get stronger too and the pain won't be as much!    I actually looked at what it takes to  run a 5 k....what's up with that!  LOL

And the rest of the wedding scrapbook

2011 begins!

The Christmas season has passed, the tree is down, the village is put away, the decorations are gone, and the house is mostly put back together.  Part of me is soooo happy that the clutter is gone and the house is back in order, but part of me is sad that the season went so quickly.  Being gone for the 6 days doesn't help, but onward we go.

Robert and the kids start school tomorrow.  Lucky me still has two days off!  Cue the music, "Dancing on the Ceiling"!  I have two whole days to myself!!!!!  I do have a bit of shopping to do and I do have some errands to run, but I have time to scrapbook and time to putter.  Of course, a run to the scrapbooking store and Michael's won't hurt either!  :)

And so it's the time for New Year Resolutions!  I'm not making any!  How's that!  Last year I decided to give up Diet Pepsi.  Which I did for two months.  Didn't really feel any different, like everyone said I would, however, since then I have really decreased the amount of pop I drink.  I did have a bit more over the holidays, but it's holidays.  Back to resolutions.. as I've said.I don't have any, however I have some goals....

1.  Keep going to JDFT!  Have I mentioned how much I like the non-gym Jo has created?  It has to be awesome...I keep going back!  And if anyone really knows me, this is not a small feat!  My goal is 4 or 5 times a week, depending on what each week brings.  And when the weather gets a little better, we'll work on the outside stuff.  Still waiting for the obstacle course for my gym goal Jo!!!! (how scary is that, I'm asking for more!) hee hee

2.  I plan to keep trying to eat clean, and keeping my food journal.  I let it go over Christmas, but it's time to get back in the routine.  It's not a major catastrophe as  I would have previously have felt, but just time to get my journal out and start again.  I had a few minor gall bladder attacks over Christmas.  Nothing to send me to the hospital as before, but enough of a reminder that I really have to watch what I eat, and that planning does make a difference.



And that's it...no goals to lose 20 pounds, to cut out sugar, to exercise everyday, etc. etc.  Just to keep trying to do healthy things and to make my life and health better!

Anyone want to join me?